Almost slid a knife through the Heart!



Had a long day followed by a very turbulent emotional evening. A relationship never really ends if you keep picking at it with a fork. Learned a lot of things in my life, to be honest, I am fairly quick learner, but this is where am truly beat.

Oh well, the sorrow brought with it pangs of desire to jack off the horse. To be honest I feel like totally playing with myself to online porn at the moment. Just before I started this blog entry I was completely rationalising in my head on why watching porn would be the right port of call. Quite a quandary. Decided to make an entry here instead.

Am sticking to the predisposed plan of action and therefore, starting a blog entry. Taking my mind off the wild desire is helping significantly.  I really wish I did not feel like accessing porn so heavily at times. Anyways, I am a teeny weeny bit proud that this time I did not. Unlike in the morning where I did ended up rubbing one through.

Though I realised this before, loneliness and sadness are huge triggers which throw you towards porn. It just seems to be so rewarding. I have decided to pick up more reading and cardio! Just so that my mind doesn’t wander off where I do not want it to go. My next course of action is to have a solid plan to occupy my left alone imaginative stimulus which was till now well fed by online porn.

My biggest dilemma at the moment is should I use a porn blocker on my computer or just rely on the strength of my will. Till now my will has not ditched me, so I think I will see one whole week. If I have a relapse may be I will have a recourse to online blocking softwares.

But thankfully, I have this blog now to turn to when the knees get weak and the palms sweaty. Pun intended.

Thankfully, the feeling of porn binge died as soon as it arrived. Am good to go again.

Cheers folks.


Revenge of the fallen


Here for a quick update over my phone. Though I have been fairly good these few days,  today was my first naughty morning. I had the supreme urge and out of no where before I could put up a strong restraint I was fantasizing about this woman and had a fairly good jerk off.

Not proud if what I did, but now I know that if such a situation is to arise I will promptly get out of bed and engage else where. Fortunately due to good conscience I this did not end in a relapse. Anyways water under the bridge now.

Back to strong resolve of no pmo (porn, masturbation, orgasm)


Return of the sudden urges – Battle of the quickies


It is really really late here and I have office tomorrow. But I thought I would put in an entry before retiring for the night. Though it has sort of decreased now, initial couple of days, and from time to time even now I have these terrible urges to pull off a quickie with my right hand Sally! As a background, I generally have this trend of masterbating mostly in the late evenings, so initially at those hours I felt this tremendous urge to play with lil Charlie. Though i managed to stay off porn the first day I resorted to online erotic pictures and erotic literature on the day after.

I soon realised that it is not a proper solution and will just delay the healing, I realised that I need to burn off the excess energy and find ways to stimulate myself. One, I started with a familiar old sitcom which used to make me really happy as a kid, the humour and the nostalgia did help a lot. Alongside, I started doing cardio. Walking. Yep, walking for almost hour and half every evening. I think this is wearing me off and keeping my mind and my stubby fingers  ahem  toes  ahem  fingers busy else where. And, if I may add this is a healthy turn for the better for me. This is actually helping substantially.

This evening i did not have any fantasizing weakness but it remains to be seen if that would be the case tomorrow morning. Hopefully not. But, one thing I need to point out that, I am not finding this r/NoFap thing difficult to do at all. Seeing and realising what porn did to me, I kind of feel very sick towards it. And that has been quite a boost along with the desire to really get out of this mess.

Keep praying for me, and if you are in this too, keep fighting 🙂


Old porn memories play Peek-a-Boo


Today is the forth or fifth day. I have stopped keeping count of exact days, but have a general idea. Today I have a had a few pangs for porn consumption but have been able to get over them, basically whenever I felt like binging I promptly went to r/NoFap the subreddit and read about other folks who are in the same journey or completed it. That seemed to help a lot. And every single time I was able to get over my pangs.

Funnily enough, I am having very very weak morning wood and feeling very horny in the morning. Not sure if it happens to everyone else. Last few days I ended up fantasizing for short amount of time about regular women but refrained from masterbating or having an orgasm. Okay may be i rubbed it once or twice, strictly. But didn’t masterbate, and just got out of bed. The hard on today was very solid but hardly lasting, but the fact that i was trying to not think of sexy stuff may have been the reason behind it.

Another thing that is happening is sometimes whenevee something semi erotic comes up in a movie or series i am watching, sometimes I get flashback about some pretty rough porn I used to see. I am not thinking about them and kicking them out of my head pretty much immediately but clearly they are in there somewhere. Working on getting rid of them.

I’ll keep you guys posted. May be I will do an entry on what my porn habits used to be before I started and how long I have been exposed to online porn.


Starting my battle with PIED


If you are here because the title said life with PIED, then we are sort of in the same boat. For the uninitiated PIED stands for porn induced erectile dysfunction or something like that. What it basically means that, you can get a hard on when you are watching porn or masterbating to porn, but when it comes to real life experience you are struggling to get the little captain giving a full salute. Well, this happens when one is watching too much or mostly porn to sexually release themselves. I have PIED.

With hindsight my captain, I can say very clearly that I had this issue/problem over 5 years now, but very recently, i.e. almost 3 months back for the first time I struggled to get my lil John up at all while having sex with my girlfriend. Took me all these three months to figure out why. Initially I thought that may be I was just too tired that night, but as I really started to really think, I figured that mostly if not always, I have not been having a complete erection. And horrifyingly enough, the night I struggled to get it on with my girlfriend, after going to bed, I had quite the hard on re-visitng in my mind palace (ahem the kinky sherlock) some porn fantasies I had seen a week earlier. I did not think much of it then as life was wrecking down on other fronts, but when I sat down to consider my PIED this is by far the most harrowing experience.

I want to fix myself now. After doing a lot of research online I realised that the best way to do it is to get rid of porn for good and for the first 30 days its better to not masterbate or have any sort of orgasm. I am on my third day now. I do not want to jot down a lot in this post, but in this blog I intend on journaling my journey, writing my experience or write down if I feel like having relapses. This I believe will help me a lot if no one else. And if you happen to stumble here, feel free to drop a line.

Will be your agony aunt. Will try to help you any way I can.